Tidbits on Parenting for the uninitiated

Posted by Yashika Totlani Khanna on 10:12 PM
This piece is written with the intention of appealing to those who intend to start a family in the near future and I write this because I wish I had access to such pieces when I was pregnant. See this as a sort of preparation article on what to expect. It is absolutely imperative to have full knowledge of what parenting entails before you take the plunge (while I do believe that nothing can truly prepare you for what comes).

Pregnancy, I now realize, is the easy part about the whole deal. It’s still just you and your partner, preparing for the future, and dealing with the minor changes that come along the way. Yes, you worry about labor, and it does come and go… but that’s not the part that you remember in much detail in the future. So what do you remember? Your remember this – your baby’s first year. The longest, most difficult year of your entire life.

Pregnancy is short and temporary- a minor bump in the long road to parenthood. Look at it as nature’s way of giving you some responsibility before unleashing a whole lot of it on you very soon. But once the baby arrives, its not going anywhere. And then it gets real.

Parenting is hard. And that’s no joking matter. It is really hard. Think about the hardest job you have ever done. Now multiply that by 10. That’s how hard parenting is. It’s about making daily decisions about the little one. It’s about giving them constant attention. It’s also about being 100% accountable for them.

Parenting makes you forget about vanity. You will not have time to do your hair or nails (or shave) for a while. Your doctors will ‘see you’ from all angles when you look your most unflattering and your whole house will too… while breastfeeding, while caring for the baby, with white spit-up marks on your shoulder. Unkempt looks and the works. Get used to it. It doesn’t last, but be sure that it won’t escape you either. The good news is that nobody cares. Because you just made life. Your car will have to make room for that car seat. Nope, no more convertibles. Get used to that too!

Parenting is anti-social. There will be no more time or energy for that friendly get-together. Your single friends wouldn’t want to hang out with you anymore because no one wants to be around a baby for extended periods of time. Play is fine, screams are not. They will all come to occasionally meet you and see how the baby is doing, but meet-ups will have to wait. No bars, clubs or sodas. You will have to find parents with kids roughly your age to hang out with because then you can do the same activities. Welcome to this new league.

Parenting is selfless. I remember driving to the hospital three days after delivering to admit our baby for jaundice. I also remember caring for her when my own body was in pieces. My husband and I forewent sleep, comforts and even meals to care for our little one. Our needs and demands are just not as important anymore. That fancy shirt can wait because buying those new bibs is more important. Spending $200 on a baby carrier will be your new idea of ‘shopping’. No vacations and no more movie theatres for a while. And what’s more, you will be fine with it. Because every day will end with that great feeling of accomplishment at having taken them through another successful day.

Breastfeeding is mean in the beginning. It is the reason most women slip into postpartum depression. I had no idea that it would be so tough. Your nipples will be sore and cracked but you will still keep going because your doctor, pediatrician, lactation consultant, family and friends will keep reminding you that breast milk is still best for your baby. And it really is. But the struggle is very real, my friend.

Parenting makes you forget about sleep. Sometimes willingly but mostly forcefully. Newborns don’t sleep through the night. Their pea-sized stomachs need constant feedings. Infants wake up at night for various reasons too. Discomfort, teething, hunger, reflux, etc. You wake up in the middle of the night with them and play the guessing game. Its fun. Or not.

Parenting is expensive. And it makes your house look a lot smaller. That crib, bassinet, swing, play mat, high chair, toys and stroller need money and space. Get ready to loosen those purse strings and save up to move to a bigger house. Don’t forget to save for their college, future and your retirement. The list is pretty long and no matter how much you make, it is never enough.

Parenting is research-oriented. Everything will be new for you and everything will require research. Bottle-feeding and pumping queries, what works best for colic, best baby sitter, best day care, best pediatrician, best toys, best baby carrier, best rocker… your little one deserves the best of everything and that requires research. Signs of teething, symptoms of infection, the color of their poo - will all be topics that you will find yourself googling on a regular basis. Every free minute will be spent imbibing new knowledge. Soon you will be giving gyaan like me.

Parenting requires support. Those first few weeks after your first baby arrives will be maddening and you will need a parent or friend to take you through them. You will need to learn how to bathe the baby, massage the baby, etc and an experienced eye will be key to take you through your learning. As the months progress, you will need to find support groups, in your locality or online, to stay in touch with parents like you to discuss daily problems and to realize that you aren’t alone in this.

Parenting is anxious. You will always be worried – about them eating enough, sleeping enough and pooping enough. You will wake up in the middle of the night to check if they are well and breathing. You will compare their monthly milestones with their peers and see if they are doing okay. You will worry if they aren’t. Even when they really just are!

Parenting is time consuming. The cycle of feed, burp, sleep and change is endless and you will find yourself going through it almost eight times every day (it gets better with age). And the cycle with take time. Weekends will mostly be spent catching a breath. And your little guy will be your new boss.

Lastly, despite the troubles, parenting is oh-so-rewarding! Their cute little faces, supple round cheeks, the way they smell, the way they hold your face with their little hands when you lean in, the way they sleep with a smile when you are close, the way their faces light up upon seeing you, the way their breathing and warmth feels against you when they fall asleep on your shoulder… is all so precious and irreplaceable. It is going to make you forget every struggle and it will remind you to find that super human inside you to keep them alive and thriving. Because everybody has it in them. You just need to find it. And then the joys are unlimited. Happy parenting!

Picture of my love for attention.


The Sunny Leone interview: Should capitalism be confused with morality?

Posted by Yashika Totlani Khanna on 5:31 AM

‘Morals’ and ‘morality’ are the most misused excuses for justifying sexism in India. Before I write more about that, lets be clear that one or another form of sexism exists in all countries around the world. But my post today will focus specifically on India. The intention is not to criticize the country for what it believes to stand for. The intention is just to highlight the hypocrisy that exists in the fabric called ‘our society’.

The Sunny Leone Interview

The Executive Editor of India’s leading English news channels recently did an interview with porn star-turned-Bollywood actress Sunny Leone. Sunny Leone, originally named Karenjit Kaur and born to Punjabi Sikh parents in America, has worked as a porn star in the United States for several years. About four years ago, she ventured into mainstream Bollywood and has since worked in some small-budget hindi films. She also made an appearance on Indian reality show Bigg Boss in 2011, a stint that made her popular with the average Indian household.

Sunny Leone followed the same publicity path that most film stars follow to promote their films. A guest appearance here and a celebrity interview there to keep her name current in mainstream media before the launch of her films has been her PR strategy. All stars do that and she seemed no different. So when I heard Bhupendra Chaubey almost chiding her for her pornographic ‘past’ in a television interview before the launch of her film ‘Mastizaade’, obviously I was very shocked.

First and foremost, the smirk on his face and the judgment in his voice was apparent and totally cringe worthy. It almost seemed like he felt a sense of entitlement to question Sunny on her career choices. He asked her repeatedly if her past (working as a porn star) ‘haunted’ her and whether she would do anything ‘differently’ to change it. Thank god Sunny held her fort and answered back with tact and confidence, confirming that she doesn’t regret anything in her past and wouldn’t want to change anything about it. It would have been a real shame to see her crumble to such blatant sexism on television.

Second, the chief point of having a guest on your show is to let them speak! A lesson that Chaubey clearly forgot to learn at journalism school. He masked his own personal opinions as questions and hogged most of the interview himself with insulting remarks about Sunny’s ‘shameful past’. He constantly cut her midway through her answers and dumped yet more demeaning remarks and outdated self-beliefs on her. He educated her about ‘the grace of being covered from head to toe in a saree’ and once even asked her if sitting with her was making him ‘morally corrupt’! He blamed her movies for the increase in the number of porn watchers in India and asked if she saw anything wrong with that (according to him, how could she not!?). Through it all, Sunny sat there with a smile on her face and tried to remain as calm and confident as is humanly possible through such barefaced adversity. And just for that, it became hard not to love her.

Third, and this was the funniest bit, Chaubey was completely oblivious to the sarcasm that Sunny threw his way in return for his barbed attacks. She politely offered to leave the interview if it was ‘corrupting’ him, she pointed out that only he saw her publicity as ‘negativity’ and that he was also the first person to call her acting a ‘danger to the fine art of cinema’. She also said that like Indian politicians, she was waiting for Obama to include her in his speeches! Dear old Chaubeyji failed to take the cue each time and continued hounding her with age-old views and his backward opinions. I wonder why he chose to do the interview himself in the first place. He could have easily asked someone else to do it. I also wonder if his own secret crush on Sunny Leone made him so thick-skinned about her oncoming sarcasm. Or maybe, he was just trying to prove to his wife sitting at home that he did NOT have that little crush (he also questioned Sunny about her views on how ‘every Indian housewife is threatened by her stealing their husband’!)

Why the furor?

In my opinion, the interview was completely offensive and chauvinistic. It was hard not to feel sympathy for Sunny Leone for her poised stance and seasoned responses. If I had been in that seat as a guest, I would probably have walked out of the interview within the first five minutes. Or at least a little bit of my anger would have shown on my face. She did neither and that made her a real-life hero. It was also disappointing to see Bhupendra Chaubey pose such crude questions. I personally respect his channel for quality journalism but with this interview, his credibility took a severe hit. Safe to say, while some would agree with his line of thinking, the mood on social media was gruff. Audiences and celebrities criticized him for his coarseness and questioned why such an opinionated interview was conducted.

If India chooses to buy tickets to (or download) Sunny Leone’s movies and watch them, Chaubey has no business blaming the actress for it. As a commercial actor, she moved from America to India in the search of greener pastures and she seems to have found them. I see no harm in doing that. She seems well aware of where her niche lies and what’s her appeal as an actor. If someone doesn’t like that, they can choose to close their eyes. Do Indian actors not visit Hollywood and act in foreign films? How could we look up to them for doing that but show scorn to Sunny Leone? She seems to be harboring very realistic expectations about the reason for her popularity in India and the kind of roles that she will be offered in the future. She didn’t seem starry-eyed about working with ‘big Bollywood names’ and said that she still read every script before accepting it… all standard procedure for an actor and nothing different because she is an ex-porn star. I wonder if Chaubey would have found the guts to pose similar questions to the male actors who star in ‘Mastizaade’. Or to a member of the Censor Board who passed the film. Such impunity, given India’s patriarchal set up, only comes while questioning women actors. Chaubey clearly talked to her differently because she was a 'former porn star' and cut her mid-sentence repeatedly, showing deep discourtesy on his part. The furor on social media after the interview was actually heartening. Small beginnings lead to bigger ends.

But I am mostly penning this blog down because it is hard for me understand why we as a society can’t treat an entertainer as just that, an entertainer. They simply do what they know best to earn a living. It is the society as a whole that makes these actors so popular by watching their movies or downloading their work. So in such a scenario, who is the culprit? Actually, why should anyone be labeled the ‘culprit’ at all? It sexual liberalism not a good thing? Does it not reduce the advent of gender-related crimes in a society? Is sexual repression the way forward? How can we continue to have the second largest population in the world and still continue to show disdain towards the act of ‘sex’? Frankly, when will our obsession with sex end? Or does it always have to be a love-hate relationship? Can we not see it as something as normal as eating food? Do we really believe that the people who carry out these interviews with such judgmentalism have never watched porn themselves? Or that they are saints behind closed doors? The problem arises when such prominent journalists earn the field of journalism a bad name with their personal prejudices. The familiarity that Chaubey displayed while conducting the interview was contemptuous. Sure, you have seen her work on screen. But that doesn’t mean that you know her personally, can forget the fact that she is a guest on your show and inundate her with your under-developed views about what the viewer wants. Like Sunny pointed out, he gets paid to interview her just as she gets paid to sit and chat with him. So where is the shame in that for both of them? Or if there is, then there is equal shame in it for both.

Small voices of dissent are a good thing. They might seem inconsequential at the time, but they go on to stir up bigger changes. We can’t leave everything to chance and time. If Sunny was still living in the United States, I am sure people would have found the good sense to see her for just what she is – an actor and an entertainer. No politician would have cared to include her in his political speeches, the people would not have blamed her for ‘corrupting the society’ and she would most probably have been lost in the stream of similar actors who do what they do best to earn a living. No one would, and they actually didn’t while she lived there, make her the topic of daily discussion and offer her the stardom that she now enjoys (and that the givers themselves so dearly loathe).

We need to stop this sense of entitlement that Indian men feel towards a woman’s career choices. Not just a woman that he knows, but any woman. No one has the authority to be judgmental about a choice that someone else makes. No profession is ‘shameful’ or deserves the scorn of the entire society. We need to realize that supply is only churned where the opportunity for a demand exists. The blanket cover of ‘morality’ cannot be used to justify a man insulting a woman on television. I guess that is my fundamental problem with the interview. Again, I am not saying that sexism doesn’t exist in other countries or that it only plagues India. My larger point is simply that we have to make it harder for people to get away with such blatant sexism. To uphold the respect of women, all women, is a fundamental value. Not a choice and definitely not a thing to be toyed around with. All power to Sunny.


Why is Dow Jones plummeting?

Posted by Yashika Totlani Khanna on 3:16 AM

The Dow Jones Industrial Average continued its New Year fall by slipping over 400 points through the day on January 15, 2016. The index that started the year at 17,405 was down almost 1500 points and hovered below 16,000 for the first time since August 2015. The big question on everyone’s mind is – why the rapid fall and should we be concerned about a recession already? According to me, these are the major reasons for Dow’s incessant drops-

1) China’s Economic Turmoil
China is the world’s second largest economy after the United States. It touches businesses and countries around the world. China is also the third largest export partner (the first and second being Canada and Mexico respectively) of the U.S., making up about 5.3% of the total U.S. exports in 2014 (good and services valued at roughly $124 billion). China also happens to be the biggest import partner of the U.S, accounting for 16.4% of the total imports of the U.S. in 2014 (roughly $467 billion). Thus, the trade balance (exports minus imports) of the U.S. vis-à-vis China is negative. The deficit is financed partly by the capital flow from China. This makes China the largest creditor of the U.S. as well, holding the largest part of U.S. treasury securities - amounting to $1,270 billion in May 2015. That is about one-fifth of the total U.S. treasury securities outstanding.
These numbers give a clue about how any positive or negative economic developments in China can affect the U.S. economy. For example, a decrease in the level of consumer spending in China, owing to a falling economy, will affect U.S. exports negatively which in turn will lead to a decrease in the U.S. GDP. Additionally, with exports decreasing but imports remaining largely unaffected, the deficit in the US balance of trade with China will widen further. Unemployment will also increase in U.S. companies that generate a major part of their revenues from Chinese exports.
Another problem that China might pose for the U.S. is the selling off of U.S. treasury securities to use the proceeds to provide stimulus to its economy. Potential massive selling of U.S. securities will create a threat to the U.S. economy because a large supply of such securities will pull the prices down. Unexpected increase in the interest rates may also increase pressure on GDP growth through lower valuation of investments.
Largely speaking, China matters greatly to the world. Its explosive growth and a huge appetite for Chinese goods and raw materials lifted economies in Europe, Asia, Latin America, Australia and elsewhere. As a result, it becomes obvious that China’s slowdown is having a huge ripple effect around the globe. Concerns about China’s economy are amplified by the fact that it remains a bit of a black box to investors. Few trust the accuracy of Beijing’s economic stats and many believe that actual growth is a lot lower than government reports.
The devaluation of the Chinese yuan that began in August 2015 has led to global markets falling by 7.1% since January 1st this year. China’s economy continues to remain caught in a dangerous no-mans-land between market and state control. Hence, the jitters are also being felt and seen on U.S.’s Dow Jones index (along with other local indexes).
2) Falling Oil Prices
We are currently in the midst of a great oil collapse. Global share markets, including the Dow Jones, tumbled at the prospect of an end to the Iranian oil export ban. Prices have slipped below $30 a barrel for crude oil (lowest since 2003). News is that Iran could restart its oil exports (after lifted sanctions) as early as this weekend if the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) confirms that it has complied with measures to curb its nuclear programme. Iran has the world’s fourth largest proven oil reserves and any additional oil would add to the 1 million barrels a day supply that has already led to more than a 70% collapse in oil prices since the middle of 2014. In simpler terms, oil supply has outstripped demand globally.
The demand for oil from China has fallen as its economic growth has slowed. Meanwhile supply has increased, partly due to the rise of US shale oil. In addition, Saudi Arabia (the world’s largest exporter of oil) has refused to cut production – something it has done previously to support oil prices. Experts estimate that about one million barrels of oil are being produced above demand every day. While consumers and some businesses have benefitted from lower oil prices, oil-exporting nations have suffered. Thousands of jobs have been lost in the oil industry.
Crude oil trades in U.S. dollars. That means when the dollar gets stronger, oil gets more expensive for overseas buyers. While cheap oil is great for American consumers, it continues to contribute to the losses in the stock market. Shares of S&P 500 energy companies are already down 10% so far this year. Some others like Marathon Oil and Anadarko Petroleum have plunged over 20%. The same trends are playing out on the Dow Jones index. Investors are worried that historically cheap crude is an ominous sign that global demand is far weaker than economists think.
Bottom line
The rout of the Dow Jones index is in tune with a global crash in stock markets, owing largely to global factors such as the fall of the Chinese economy and plummeting oil prices. Experts say that local factors like deteriorating corporate earnings and revenues, overvaluation of stocks and rising interest rates could also be contributing to the collapse. Some investors are also playing safe and dumping their stocks before the long MLK weekend. Maybe it is good advice to stay un-invested for now and observe where the stock market heads before making any monetary bets. The year looks bearish, the emotion is cautious and it is prudent to listen to money management gurus who say that it's better to be safe than sorry!

Copyright © 2009 Yashika T Khanna All rights reserved. Theme by Laptop Geek. | Bloggerized by FalconHive.