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The whole Indian wedding tamasha

Posted by Yashika Totlani Khanna on 12:33 PM in , ,

Unlike several other countries in the world, the meaning of ‘wedding’ in the Indian context is very different. It encompasses every other factor, other than the willingness of the boy or the girl. In the ‘arranged wedding’ scenario, a concept largely ridiculed in the west, the boy and the girl are simply expected to wed as strangers and then fall in love. If any differences or incompatibilities arise later... the duo is expected to reconcile to them within four walls. Because like the couple once obliged to fall in love with the person of their parent’s choice, they are also expected to tow their lines in terms of what KIND of person they have to get used to.

I am not suggesting that such matches are always forced or that they always end up failing. A good amount of them even manage to work. But all elders in this country have got to understand that there are only a certain ‘type’ of people you can expect to put up with this arrangement. I am a journalist and I have always lived life on my own terms. Owing to adequate financial independence that I have experienced in recent years, I feel I am fairly equipped to pick my own match. And to stick to that choice and live it through, because at least at the end of the day, it is still MY decision that I am putting up with. And the decision was not made for me by somebody else. It can go wrong and things can fall apart, but that way I have at least not smothered my wishes, just to be ‘socially acceptable’. Nor have I wrapped myself up as a candy to be presented to a ‘market’ of suitable boys (don’t know what mind-fucked people come to do that kind of bidding). And I would own full responsibility for my actions.

Which brings us to the moot point of which ‘kind’ of people agree to enter the ‘arranged marriage’ scenario. This is the breed that has either loved their family way too much, more than anything else, to ever fall as much in love with anybody else. Or the variety that feels it is not in their ‘culture’ to disregard what their parents ask them to do. Now the second variety worries me the most. Because these are the same people who can never say ‘no’ to anything that is asked of them. ‘Marry him/her’... yes. ‘Have babies with them now’... yes. ‘He is cheating on you? Put up with it. Marriage is all about compromises’... yes. ‘You feel you are incompatible? Manage it... it’s your life and he/she is your spouse. Get used to them’... yes. The ‘yes-saga’ has no end but lifelong implications of this can be catastrophic. People tend to become subdued, reserved, irritable, irrational, non-objective... and ultimately end up sleeping in different rooms. Because in their words... their natures ‘never matched’. I might sound a little extreme but the crux of my argument shall come to life only if such extremities are cited.

On the other hand, people who marry out of ‘love’ are less likely to end up in different bedrooms. They have known each other, had their say, known their expectations and most importantly, the onus lies on them to make it work. Because they made their own choice. The learning of making a love-marriage work is the learning of a lifetime. You live with your ‘decision’ everyday. Wake up with them, sleep with them and grow with them. The learning might be sweet or it might be bitter, but it is of your own making. And it shall always remain that way. Everybody makes mistakes in their youth and the Indian parents need to allow their kids to make those ‘mistakes’ once. They might work or they might not. But there is never the added pressure of not having other avenues or exits. These ‘mistakes’ teach one to be independent in life, and responsible, for all things that happen to them or are made to happen.

A marriage is more than just about maintaining social standing or stature. And children are more than just mere badges that parents can pin-up on their shoulders. Nor are children means for parents to live the kind of lives that they never lived on their own. The two parties in a married couple eventually have to cope with their own lives, and the easier it is made for them, the better. At a basic level, the voices that advocate ‘own match picking’ need to be heard. Being ‘liberal’ has always been the way forward and by holding old customs or traditions very close to the heart, folks today are being insensitive to the needs of the times. They have to be more supportive and respectful of their children’s wishes. Times have changed and they can’t dictate rules about how lives should be lived. Honour-killings should be stopped and a thought has to be spared to what makes your own flesh-and-blood happy. For there is no substitute for consensual coexistence to give life to the ‘happily ever after’...


11 Comments

jandeep says:

i do agree
with u..our society needs a lot more opening up...its always beter for 2 ppl to knw each other completely b4 deciding to tie a know.. the gud thing is that these days...in today's world..arange mariages r no more strictly aranged...parents have bcum more lenient and they let the girl and guy interact b4 cumin to a decision.. (though surely not all...the thought of strictly aranged marriage is scary...which is still happening) n ya..sometyms...luv marriages do end up not being sucessful...all is a matter ur of ur judgement..u shud jus g o for watever is beter for u


Jandeep: True. Whatever works for anyone. Though I wonder why we can't be like all of those other countries we actually want to settle our kids into...


Marriages are made in heaven is a myth that elders frequently propagate to coerce their children into marrying people they would not ideally want to. Love marriages are seldom encouraged because society doesn't permit them. However, I believe this is an endless debate that will continue in India for a very long time. Irony is that I have come across parents who themselves had a love marriage but are dead opposed to the concept when it comes to their kids. Funnily enough, I have also come across cases where parents say it is alright if their children can find a partner on their own as long as the partner belongs to the same caste and/or subcaste. Is that really love?

I have no opposition per se to the concept of arranged marriage. Given my track record (Well known to you), I guess I have an arranged marriage in store for me. All I can hope is that it doesn't turn out to be one of those arranged marriages where you are forced to fall in love for the lack of any other options. Wishful thinking?


Arunabh: For this girly post of mine, and you being a guy, you still make so much sense. True about the two kinds of parents you cited (i should've mentioned them in the post!) and true that that kind of love can't be real.

You will get married... you deserve all goodness in life, my friend... and be one of those happily ever afters. For you are the kind of man we all chase... seriously :)Educated and intelligent. And loyal.


There are just too many double standards and hypocrisies when it comes to marriage in our society. We often provide choice to our kids with geo-fencing limits of caste/ religion and other factors. We often pretend that choice exists whereas in reality it is only the parents going along with what they have heard from others. Parents take pride in good matches but never the blame when their daughters get beaten or harassed or when their sons are duped (yes that happens too).

And many kids are jst not used to living in an environment of choice to make a decision for themselves. In a society that reacts to normal interaction between a boy and a girl with a 'haw' and considers any friendliness between sexes outside of defined relationships like marriage and family as suscipicious and taboo, you really cant expect much.

Minds need to open and kids need to be trusted when they are adults to decide who they want to marry. The only real criteria should be that the spouse they choose should be able to keep them happy. Some ppl are made happy by their choices and some choose to find happiness in a way. The lines are blurred and the choices provided are half baked.

Well written and blunt. Honest too. Good to see you write again and with such strong words. Glad you feel this way. Completely agree with most of what you have said.


hey there! so nice to see you here again!! agreed with aftab.... well written, a little opinionated, but then, better out than in i say! :)

i do agree with pretty much whatever you have articulated, as well as the comments you have received. but my twopence on the subject:

1. i have seen this lately... more and more love marriages are going kaput!! its really sad. but i think somewhere we think we know exactly what we want and are convinced mr/ms xyz is perfect! but thats not always how it turns out to be, cuz when u remove the rose tinted glasses, u wake up to the reality that marriage, even love marriage with someone u have known, LOVED, lived with, is HARD.

and ive seen that people who marry closer to their background/lifestyle/religion/caste/community, are happier. life is definitely easier. so i DO think there is some wisdom in their words when parents say marry someone similar.

2. not all people who go for arranged marriages love their family too much or are scared of disregard towards parents. i know many people who just havent managed to go OUT there and find someone for a steady long term relationships, or have been thru relationships which havent worked. few people i know, no matter what eperiences, who want to live life alone. almost eveyone wants a companion. and so, they are willing to even go for the arranged marriage route.

and i have seen lately many couples get married, who found each other thru arranged channels, and some of tehm are actual matches made in heaven. sure no person, no marriage is perfect, but nowadays, arranged marriages aint as weird or impersonal as they used to be. most parents allow the couple to interact fr a few months before the wedding, giving them enuf time to understand each other, ask the important questions, and judge the suitability. honestly it doesnt matter if they guy i like, i found him at a friend's party, or thru my mom's friend. as long as i hit it off, the channel isnt important.

that said i think its crazy why first of all everyone HAS to get married, and that too as per teh society's idea of who is a good match, and they have to live with who they marry no matter what asses their spouses may be. that totally sucks, doesnt make sense, im completely against it. everyone shd be allowed to make their own decisions, and stand by them. its high time indian youth are treated as adults and not instruments of their parents whims and fancies!


Lazy Knight: Glad you agree. And agree with what you've written too. This is a hypocritical society. And modern kids often end up facing the brunt of age-old, obsolete customs and traditions. A blind allegiance to them. It it unfair on these young minds that eventually end up feeling confused and betrayed by their own kin.

I'll tell you this, its better to be called an 'outlaw' than to have sacrificed your wishes to assuage someone else's prejudices. Own decisions need to be taken based on what your heart and conscience feel right about. Because even if you become the sacrificial lamb today, your kid might not tomorrow. And it's better to have fought and lived, than to never have loved at all.

Aditi: Marriage closer to someone is obviously true. That would always help with sustainability. But in defense of all those people you call 'rose tinted' (gosh how I hate that phrase)... if the association has been long, meaningful, rough and smooth in equal measure, heart-wrenching and exhilarating at the same time, in proximity and over distance... if these kids have survived all these tests of time... spread over several months and years... juggled it with their aspirations to still be together... taken life-altering decisions together... over smiles and tears... chosen the difficult way of consulting their parents before taking the leap... then these 'rose tinted' kids DESERVE some benefits of doubt. That they haven't just lived through roses and might have experienced the thorns too.

About the examples that you cite - I have a sister at home who was made to see a match in the arranged marriage setting. Everything was done with her wishes. They got engaged... had a year before their marriage to get to know each other. And they did - and they didn't like who the other person was. Result - engagement was eventually called off. Bigger result - while the guy happily married someone else and just had a kid... rishtaas dried up for my poor sister. And now she has been waiting desperately for something to happen for several years. Two hoots to this sexist, prejudicial society that you advocate for.


sweetheart i feel your pain, and understand your anger. im in no way advocating pestering kids to marry, force them to sit thru many rounds of ladka-ladki dekhna, negotiate on prices and dahej etc, and make children suffer thru bad marraiges, just for sake of society. dont get me wrong. all im saying is that all love marriages dont work out, as many of us kids get too impatient and make mistakes. and all arranged marriages aint forced, as today many people find comfort in an arranged partner. im just speaking out of experience of my friends in the past few years.... just a trend im talkin abt. and trends change.


Aditi: Fair point and agreed. But sub-societies exist within our societies and weird old customs stay prevalent within them.



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